Seeing

The things that have happened. They peeled away the layers. There is a film that falls over the reality of life. It is put there by the experiences that numb us that make us callous that teach us to behave a certain way. When I gasped for life, fought to feel the beat of my heart, take the breath that would inflate my lung one more time I knew that the film caused the real gift and brightness of life to dim, to fade. It makes my interactions fractured, the air tainted. I cannot hear what it said, see what is happening, touch the truth that is the ground beneath my feet and the things that surround me. To see the world without the film is to feel things so acutely. I dance with abandon, I sing with my throat wide open and I feel every thread of the soft cotton sheets around my toes. With the heightened joy comes the ability to be cut through to the marrow by the reality that hits me like a blow to the freshly opened navel. The homeless man with his flawless bones, his organs aching for free air, clean blood and a chance. I watch him eat garbage, inject his veins with poison and look at me with pity for his fate. Does he really think he is fighting for his life? I want him to know what it really feels like to want to live. I want to say something so that he will know the will to live. If he could feel that why would he self-induce what I was forced to endure?

For the first several months post-surgery I could not walk by someone who was risking their life in any way without feeling a bodily sensation of nausea and the sensation that I was going to collapse. The sorrow I felt for their unwillingness to live was unbearable when it had been so hard for me to fight the battle. Now I have forced myself to desensitize. I stared at people smoking and tried to remember what it was like to understand it. I watched the Olympics as people raced down mountains and break-neck speed. This time I could tolerate it. I am slowly replacing the film. I have realized that some of it is necessary for tolerance and resilience of a different kind. I haven’t lost my gratitude for the shine of the moon and the turn of each season and I still dance with the abandon of a child but I am learning to wear the film like a cloak when I need it. The only unmoving law is I will not allow my son to wear skulls on his clothes. Why would you invoke death when life is such a real and present gift? He doesn’t like them anyway. I believe we’re kindred spirits on that one.

Along with this feeling of newness is the knowing that there is a new soul inhabiting me. It is not something I have tried to notice or believed ahead of time. It is just something that is. There are parts of me that were never there. I itch when I get out of the shower. I like to buy shoes and clothes. I spend a lot of time getting ready in the morning. I like dogs. I have a temper. I won’t be messed with and if you cross me I’ll let you know about it.

There are things that haven’t changed. I love going on adventures and I love my friends and family and I will do anything for someone I love. I forgive everyone and the Tater Tot is the shining beacon that guides everything I do in my life.

I haven’t finished getting acquainted to all the parts of me but I recognize the new parts as my dear friend Meghan. We were always the same yet opposite so it is funny to have her habits (some of them that used to drive me crazy when we were roommates!) coming out in me now. I’m so grateful that I received an organ and now that I know the profound effect that it has had on me and my body and spirit I am even more grateful that is from someone who I admire so very much. I could not have been more blessed.

Much love,
Michelle

Mrs.M

Meghan has graduated from Miss.M To Mrs.M! She married her fiance of 3 yrs today(May29th)!!!

Meghan you are such a special lady, and Mr. T(ha!) is lucky beyond words to be united with you in marriage.

Thank you for saving my dear friend, and now I wish you a lifetime of happiness as you begin this new chapter in your life.

Congratulations to you both!

love
tracey

Happy Transplant-iversary!

One year ago today. I still have all the text messages on my cell phone that were exchanged this day and many from the days that followed. Who was going into surgery at that moment, how it was going, when everyone was out, how pleased the doctors were with how it all went. Meghan* gave a piece of her life so Michelle could continue hers. That is pure magic!
It's hard to believe it's been a year already. My home phone message remains unchanged, from when I had to put my contact info for media to reach me if I wasn't home. People wanted Michelle's story, they wanted her to get her surgery. And she did! It's been a hard journey, but as an outsider I can see she is doing so much better. She is vibrant and glowing. She has more energy and is back to doing many of the things she couldn't do when she was unwell.
Meghan gave a selfless gift, complete with it's own sacrifices. She is also doing great and is back to the things she loves, like riding her horses and getting engaged to be married!
What a year it's been for these ladies! To celebrate organ donation month, Meghan and Michelle's story will be published in the April edition of Reader's Digest. Watch for it coming soon!
tracey

*let's not kid ourselves, most of you know Meghan is Miss M, so let's give the lady some credit and use her real name!

The Pebbles and Stones

It's 1:10am. The eve before the eve of my transplant 1 year ago. Tomorrow I return to work from my pneumonia tune up. I felt weak and ill again and was amazed how familiar the feeling was even though I had kissed it good bye forever. I couldn't find the power in my knees to float me to the top of the stairs without a moments recovery. The energy of my 3 year old washed over me like a wave that nearly drowns the avid surfer. I began to feel hopeless that my life would wash out to sea without me. But, after all here I am back and returning to work tomorrow. It's a new beginning, a new job, the realization of a lifelong career goal. But I cannot sleep. My heart is heavy tonight. I cannot fit all the pieces in the right place. Despite the level playing ground of delight, pain keeps trying to insert itself. Tragedy keeps peeking in on the scene. Something is not in balance. I feel like the princess trying to snuggle down to sleep atop her mattresses of gifts and successes but I feel a pea lying between the folds and I cannot rest. There is something more I must do to find peace. I just don't want to take apart all the mattresses to find the pea. I've tried to ignore it but it's too prominent. I've tried to squish it, but it's too strong. I will have to find it and see it. Another round of bravery is required. There's always more of that isn't there?

Thank you for all the gifts, for my beating heart, for the feeling of joy and overwhelming love I feel for the family and friends and people in my life. I am so enjoying being there and being able to pay forward a small portion of the kindness showered on me.

Much love,

Me

The Little Liver That Could...DID!

Michelle's ultrasound back in December showed that her new liver was still undersized, but working well. A more recent ultrasound showed that her little liver has made it to full size! I don't think this was expected, thus a pleasant surprise! This is only a partial liver though, and is missing some parts you and I have with a full/whole liver. As Michelle says, she doesn't have all her plumbing! So there are still some deficits, issues with fluid retention for example. But her liver is doing great! The biggest task at hand right now appears to be getting through this pneumonia. They think they have her on the right med regime, so hopefully it is just a matter of time. Please join me in praying for her lungs to heal, and for her body to adjust to the long-term antibiotics. The antibiotics are making her feel a bit sick.
tracey

A Tribue to Grannie (from Michelle)

I was unable to attend my Grannie's funeral after working so hard. As it was happening I was having my lung scope and try as they might they could not put me to sleep. I ended up going through the proceedure with my eyes wide open. At least now I know what the inside of my lungs look like! I thought of Grannie, my broken hearted Grampa and all the family who surrounded him with great love and respect. I wanted to be there to grieve and comfort with them but I knew my place was to restore myself to health. In the end, I made it out of there the next day in time to meet everyone for lunch and return home for rest. I wrote this piece to read at Grannie's funeral. I thought I would post it here in her honor. It was never read.

Dear Grannie,

I wrote this piece after selecting pictures from the boxes of options that represented the 94 years of your life. As we shuffled through them, Gramps regaled me with the background stories behind the images and they bloomed to fill the senses of your character.
We were separated when I was only a baby and re united after I had fully grown. I missed so much. You told me of your disappointment that I wasn’t there to create childhood memories with our family. I cam as soon as I could.
I always dreamed of knowing you, of having a seat in the circle of your heart. In recent years we had our chance. Through our time together, sipping soups, stooping over sewing machines or during one of our many chats we caught up on our missed years. You taught me much of being a lady, cooking, loving and being courageous in mind and body. I will hold you close to my heart forever.
Your life has sparkled through a century and it seems you never wasted a day. Your whimsical art, travel adventures, decorating, painting, sewing, knitting, teaching, selling and celebrating the people you love tell the tale of a woman who has led a life to be proud of and a legacy her family can treasure forever.
When I saw you last I told you I find you and dad to be masters of wit and irony. Even then, lying small in your hospital bed your strength and humor pressed through to refuse my fear and sadness into laughter. I like to think you and dad are up there- holding your sides and laughing together.
Grannie, I’m so happy we really know eachother now. Thank you for your love of me and my family. Thank you for showing me what courage and strength of mind and character it takes to survive life’s challenges. Thank you for proving that true and enduring love is possible and the imprortance of cherishing your marriage.
My son has said he loves you with all his heart- I can’t say it any better then that.

Home!

Michelle was discharged home last night! Just talked with her Mama and got a bit of an update. After her procedure yesterday Michelle wasn't feeling very well, but was able to go home. She continues to not feel well today, but will hopefully feel better as some of the sedation drugs leave her system and her other meds are regulated. She will be going to the transplant clinic on thursday, when she should also get the results from the samples taken from her lungs yesterday.
tracey

"Are We There Yet?"

Michelle was hoping to be released yesterday, but the team reviewing her respiratory status wanted to do a little more investigation. She was scheduled for a bronchoscopy yesterday at 11am. They wanted to take some samples from each lung, hoping to get a better answer as to what is causing her pneumonia. I haven't heard how the procedure went or any results yet. Michelle was told to quit asking about discharge estimations, so just trying to take one day at a time. Her primary doc called this admission a "tune-up", which highlights I suppose that a transplant doesn't end after surgery. Please continue to pray for a speedy recovery.
tracey

Pneumonia

There were some concerns that there might be something more...but it's "just" pneumonia. Still cr@ppy, but I'm guessing better than the alternatives. The doc came up to see Michelle after a CT scan to report "you're going to live"! She has pneumonia bilaterally(both lungs). They want to try to determine exactly what the cause is so to best treat, then she can be on her way! Hopefully she will be home today, tomorrow at the latest. Unfortunately her admission to Delta Hosp resulted in a little fluid loading, and she has some very uncomfortable bloating in her abdomen. Hopefully this will pass soon. Things have been been rough with Michelle's breathing for months, and it is suspected she could have been brewing something since the summer! So this is what immunocompromised looks like...
Here's hoping that with answers you will find relief! Love ya Chikadee!

tracey

Difficult Times

Michelle is in the hospital tonight. Unfortunately a few days ago she was struck with horrible chest pain and difficulty breathing. Turns out she has pneumonia. A couple of days in her local, small-town hospital for IV antibiotics, she was discharged home yesterday. She and I spoke yesterday evening. She didn't sound well and was having a lot of pain in her swollen abdomen. She went to see her family physician today, and I don't have all the details, but she has been admitted into Vancouver General Hospital (VGH). She is expecting to be put on the transplant floor. The doctors suspect she may have another infection along with the pneumonia. She is on heavy duty antibiotics and may have to stay on them for some time. The little liver-that-could remains on the small side, but is holding it's own right now. Michelle is really hurting tonight not being able to be with her son. Also, she lost her Grannie last week, and she was really hoping to be available for Gramps. Please pray for Michelle's health, and for her family as they wade through these difficult times.

tracey

A Birthday Wish

A fire’s been started that must press the keys to life. A storms been brewing and now Miss M has sent me a news post. A terrible twist of fate. A father of 3 young boys lost his life saving his brother in a live donor liver transplant surgery this August. Now the new liver is rejecting. It’s 1am and it’s my 36^th birthday. I should be sleeping but it’s going to have to wait till I’ve got this out…. It’s my birthday and I had a live donor transplant 9 months ago. Miss M saved my life just in the nick of time as the blood discontinued its flow through the left side of my heart. I have been reborn. I am wife to my husband who has patiently waited for so long. I am mother to the 3 year old little boy to whom I devote my life. I am slowly resuming the roles and relationships I have missed so dearly. The odds were trying to tip against me but we fought back. I did not fight alone. Thank you. So- there’s cause for a bit of reflection today I guess. Meghan risked her life to save mine- a thought that’s never far from my mind but tonight it seems an even more eerie reality. I cannot imagine the pain the brother left behind must feel. I’m sure I couldn’t endure it. My heart and prayers are with him and all who this story has affected.

Where have I been for the past 3 years? It’s all a faded murky bog of grey except for the brightly colored figure that is my gorgeous Nate. Every second of his life is crystal clear. Despite the fog that surrounds everything else I can remember with astounding clarity the date he ate his first food, took his first steps, said his first words, where we went what we did the things he’s said- everything. It’s as if my mind was hungrily grabbing every moment as the last and locking it forever in my mind. My brain has skilfully edited the details of the horror away from my memory and I am a willing participant in this survival process. I don’t think I could bear to always carry it with me or remember. People tell me stories of things that happen and it sounds like someone else’s life. It is completely unfamiliar. One night I am grateful to have completely blacked out is the night before my surgery. My immediately family gathered for sushi around my hospital bed. We played on the bed for a little while and then it was time to say good-night. I am told Nate climbed on to my lap and we hugged tightly for a long time. I have heard them tell me of the loud sob that seemed to belong to 3 lifetimes of pain that came from the bottom of my soul and escaped out of my lips into the room. My brave son held me tighter, kissed me many times without shedding a tear and left my room silently. He didn’t say a word until he reached the pond in front of the hospital where he asked for a fistful of pennies which he threw “for mama”. I have had many heroes in my life but this little man is one of them.

I am ashamed to hear I was unable to contain my grief while I held him but I can only hope he felt the intensity of my love for him.

I do not want to wait for life to begin any longer but there are toddlers to live, jobs to do, houses to clean, laundry to fold, beds to make and food to cook. In other words you must move your torso to exist. And the great part is that I do exist now. I am NOT ILL ANY MORE!! But the problem is there are days where the pain of joining these severed muscles, tendons nerves leave me feeling attacked by a bear in the front and that large snails have coiled the muscles and entwined with the bones and ribs in my back. I want to eat holes in the walls and chew the pillows it hurts so much. But the pain goes away or is quite tolerable if I rest or do very little. But I can’t wait for myself anymore. Now is when I’m needed. My family is young, my life is young. So am at a standstill here and off to Transplant on Thursday to see what can be done.

As a tribute to Meghan, I want to enclose this piece from the past, just before January last year..... It shows how far we've come. What her sacrifice has meant for me and our family. I love you sweet angel. I'm so sorry Ryan died for his brother Chad doing what you did so selflessly and unwaiveringly for me as he did for him.

“A few weeks ago, my tot was having trouble falling asleep in his little bed. He insisted on sleeping with me in the spare room. I asked him if he was sick and he shook his head vigorously. I knew something was bothering him so I leaned him and kissed his rounded cheek. I reminded him that I’m his mommy and he can tell me anything. He whispered softly, “you are”. I repeated his words and asked him what he meant. He said it again. I repeated my question and snuggled him close to me. He whispered loudly, “You’re sick mama.” He had never said the words out loud before. I wasn’t ready to hear him say it now. Up till that moment I believed that he didn`t really know what was going on. I burst into tears despite my urgent desire to be in control of my emotions. It was his turn now. I couldn’t stop the waterfall steaming down my face. He jumped into my arms and held me silently. I could hear his breathing quickening, almost panting. I quieted and he told me he is so scared. He hears me throwing up. He’s afraid the doctors aren’t going to save me. They are taking too long mama. He wants to fix me with his tools. He loves me so much and he’s afraid that I am going to die. I gasp. I didn’t even know he knew that word. I feel like I have just listened to the confessions of a 15 year old and look at his tiny face and hands to remind myself that he is only 2 years old. What a brave little boy.

I tell him that mama was born with something broken inside of her tummy that needs to be fixed. Mama needs a new part. I tell him I won’t be sick forever. At least I can promise him that. I tell him that there is a special doctor who can fix me. A look of relief washes over his face and he smiles before pronouncing, “I will meet him mama. I want to meet the doctor who is going to fix you.” I can`t imagine the high and mighty Dr. S would be able to look at his little face and deny his request. In fact, our sweet tot has been to the transplant clinic with me only once. It was after his visit that they activated me on the liver transplant list.

I do believe that my son will see me well again. I believe I will dance and work and lift and climb and ride and run like I used to one day. I tell him this and he is happy. I feel like I just had a conversation with a 15 year old. I cannot believe this amazing child came out of my body and is my son. He is truly a living breathing miracle. Thank you.

After being rejected by Toronto and BC once again we were burnt out, done and depleted. We have been living this white knuckle ride as if each day could be my last. We cannot continue like this. I literally got on my hands and knees and begged the BC transplant team to do the surgery. Please set all of us free from this purgatory. No dice. We’ll see you again in January.

I am quite sick now. The disease is literally oozing and popping out of me and I am drowning in its force. I cannot believe that I will be rejected again when I return to the transplant clinic in January. My kidneys are bloated with backflow of blood (shunting) from the spleen. The pressure between the organs has resulted in ginormous varices in my torso which are now protruding from my skin and look like bloated worms after a rainstorm. I simply cannot get the upper hand on my pain or my nausea or my fatigue or the feeling that I have been poisoned. I am losing the memory of wellness now. I watch.....

That's enough of that. I don't feel like that anymore. No oozing and popping, no puking- none of that pergatory nothing. Phew! This is WAY better. Happy BIRTHDAY! All my birthdays from here on out are dedicated to my Angel and friend, Miss M. You know who you are. xox

Love and live,

Goodnight

Kidlet (Michelle) I just felt like honouring the sign off I would have given my dad who always called me Kidlet. I enjoyed that name. Maybe it will be my penname.

Slowing to a Steady Trot

Well... do you recall that froth I was talking about- that chomping at the bit I was doing? Well I chomped a little too zestfully and bit a tad too much off. Now I’ve had to have a nice bite of humble pie and admit I can’t do it all.

It started out all very innocently at the end of September with a family week-end to see Meghan on the Island and my intention to fulfill the Tater Tot’s request to “be a whale” in the swimming pool. This is something I’ve done on numerous occasions in our little local shallow swimming pool. However, in the unfamiliar pool the bottom suddenly dropped out and we were drowning while Jarvie enjoyed a few moments off bubbly heat behind the wall in the hottub. I struggled mightily against the water`s draw to sink us both to the bottom with Nate flailing on my back. I couldn`t reach him because of the feeling of tearing and searing pain across my abdomen as I tried in vain to reach the top of the water and swim to safety. I screamed and sputtered and somehow Jarvie heard us. He reached from the side to rescue the Tot. He expected me to swim to the side now that I was free from the urchin that clung to my back but now I was tired out and in too much pain so I continued to drown and sink. He eventually realized and aided me as well.

After panting and heaving on the side of the pool for several minutes we all looked at eachother and jumped back into the pool. We never discussed it and went out for lunch. I guess the trauma we`ve been through doesn`t make a story like this worth mentioning on the rare occasion we get out for a family vacation.

24 hours later I couldn`t move and we couldn`t figure out why. Now over a month later I am still having a lot of trouble moving. The docs tell me I ripped away the muscle from the incision in my desperate effort to save us from drowning. The pain of just holding myself standing let alone functioning has tired me all out so I`ve had to blow the whistle on my new found function to say that I can`t increase, won`t make my goals and have had to reset my own boundaries.

My doc`s looked down through their eyebrows and told me, tsk tsk – you`re always over estimating your strength``. To that I say, Amen sista! Guilty as charged! But, no seriously, I do so I will calm it down a little. I didn`t die so many times just to kill myself after all. 

Thanks for listening. Much love.

What I'm Up To

It's 1AM and my rooms are filled with the huffs and poofs of dedicated sleepers. It's that solid time of night when I could vacuum, pick up the bed and re-make it without waking up anyone. I'm usually right there beside one of my boys enjoying a solid sleep but tonight is different. I've done all the right things but I just can't get all the way to the sleep part.

Is there anyone out there anymore? Does the return to normality and the navigation of recovery from liver transplant, return to work, raising a three year old and guiding a husband who just watched you die and come back to life back into a normal marriage contain a story? Every day I am awakened by the surprise that humanity brings to life. People's stories, their laughter, their anger and emotion, their fears and even the things that people choose to wear. Everything has a new amusement and hold genuine appreciate for me now. Every day I get to see a friend for lunch or a playdate is a day that might not of been. Although that tone is being replaced by the joy of seeing a person and being to share a normal healthy experience without having the compromise of illness to be in my way. WHAT A MIRACLE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have returned to work. I am an official inhabitant of cube world now. I am a voice in the egg crate as my dad used to say.

I am eager with excitement the night before a work day. It is an adventure I wasn't sure I'd ever get to have again. Nate's jaw dropped the first time he saw mommy all gussied up for work. He gave me a standing ovation and picked out my pink high heels. They didn't exactly match but who's going to turn down such a participation!?

It has been a humbling and joyous ride back into the saddle where everything is changed and nothing is different. I am being trained by my students and sitting with my future co-workers who do the job I will one day do if I can ever work full hours again. They work with the seriously injured or psychologically impaired. Their days are filled with the need for compassion and endless patience, negotiation, balance and tolerance. I am learning how to change an address in the new computer system. A very simple but just as necessary task!

I hear my friend guide a man through the emotions of returning to his home for the first time without the leg he had before he'd gone to work and lost it in an accident. Will this get to be my job? What will it be like for me to talk to these wounded people? I have felt their pain. I have had to bend my life, be broken and rise again. It is best I heal and wait for now but I can feel the froth forming at the bit and my pace is picking up to a steady canter.... Slow and steady I keep telling myself.

The docs at transplant have got my headaches under control (transplant meds can trigger migraines) so life has gotten a lot better in the last 2 months. My/our liver has accepted it's new home very well (knock wood). My overall score hovers at about a 38 which usually takes years to achieve. I can only believe it is because of the relationship between myself and my donor made the body that much easier to receive the gift. My kidney's are tolerating all the toxic meds that I take every day very well which is one of the hurdles of the first year of transplant. My biggest irritation has been this very deep chest cough that has required 3 rounds of antibiotics and puffers every day. My donor has chronic bronchitis so we don't know but it's a possibility it may have transferred through her blood! Anyway, it's been really difficult to get rid of with all the anti-rejection medications so I sound like I have tuberculosis. Gives me a whole new empathy for my friends with asthma or breathing issues. You have my prayers! So far I have been very lucky to avoid any of the very common pitfalls of the first year especially because I received a very small piece of living donor organ. So, thanks to your prayers and all the extra rituals (you know who you are! :-) I am alive and kicking.. THANK YOU sincerely from the bottom of my heart, soul and toes to my nose.

I am so grateful to Meghan for her sacrifice that allows me to graduate from surviving surgery to watching life and now truly participating in it. I can wake up with my son, stay awake all day and put him to sleep at night, I can slide, swim, work, iron, bake bread and have dinner on the table on time. Sometimes I have to pinch myself. I will never forget what I've been through and the pain of the surgery is still very fresh but that girl I thought I might have lost was only wearing her safety gear. She's very much alive and well. I feel my old self rise as the fatigue, pain and memories sink and fade.

Meghan- I hate that you itch and I don't want your blood cells to be smaller than they should be. It's not fair for you to have aftermath from your heroic gesture. I know we will find the answer. I pray for the resolution every day. I know you say you aren't suffering and we never lie to each other so I take solace in that. Much love and THANK you for my life that wouldn't have been without your brave decision.

oxo to all and I MUST GO TO BED!!!

Bon Nuit!

Michelle

Past The 6th Month Mark!

First off, thank you so much to everyone who contributed to help Miss M in her return to work process! She is now back to work full time! She reports lower then normal red blood cells since the surgery but we are hopeful this will change under her doctor's care.

Michelle has been a pretty sick chikadee for over a month now. My initial over-the-phone diagnosis was pneumonia, but a trip to the hospital turned up a negative chest x-ray. Many days of green sputum, blood oxygen levels below 90%, antibiotics, gasping for air, and numerous trips to the ER for breathing treatments...Michelle is finally rounding the bend. The bizarre thing is, Michelle was not really one to develop chest infections, let alone one that makes her lungs seem so chronic. Albeit, she has poor immunity now that she has to take anti-rejection medication daily to protect her new liver, there may just be another piece to this story. According to the transplant team, Michelle was told she is the only BC resident to receive a live-donor liver transplant from a non-relative. I've read stories of people receiving transplants and picking up habits, food cravings, or conditions, etc that the donor experienced. Miss M. has a history of bronchitis. Coincidence? Potentially interesting; how much information and power our little cells carry, even when they are outnumbered in a new body.

Another interesting tidbit, and great news for people who are offered the gift of a live-organ donation from a relative. BC transplant told Michelle they have had no cases of rejection from live-donor transplants when the donor-recipient dyad were relatives. Again, Michelle has been told she is the only person in BC to receive a non-related donation of liver from a living donor. Michelle experienced some complications of rejection in the beginning of her recovery. This is thought to support the idea that living, related donors improve the odds of the transplant being a success. Michelle and Miss M are contributing to science that will potentially lead to a better understanding and further advancements in organ donation!

Phew, that was a lot of medical stuff, I hope I got it right!

Please continue to keep Michelle and Miss M in your prayers. Michelle just passed the 6 month mark post-transplant, she's definitely on her way!

tracey

*Keep your eye out for Michelle and Miss M in a future Reader's Digest! I will let you know when it's available!

Making It "Work"

Michelle is doing pretty great! Starting back to work at 6 months post-op is such a big feat, and she's genuinely excited about it. The Ways are working hard to keep themselves afloat and be independent. They will be forever grateful for all of your help this past year, but are now hoping to adjust to their new life and make it on their own. Thank you friends!

Miss M. is also doing well, but unfortunately is not entitled to the same financial support in her return to work program. Apparently employment insurance here in BC only gives you 15weeks coverage, even if you've given up half your liver. Miss M. has made a valiant effort to return to work full-time, but has thus far been unable to tolerate this schedule. She has had to cut back her hours until she is stronger. Miss M. has given our Michelle an amazing, self-less gift. We are now turning to you dear friends to help us help her in her recovery. We are collecting donations, and considering a fundraiser to help top-up Miss M. until she can return to work full-time. Donations will be accepted through our paypal account or via cheque to the Michelle Way Trust. Please quote Miss M. in the memo of your cheque or on your paypal donation so that any funds coming in will be directed to the appropriate recipient.

We know times are tight, but we wouldn't ask if we didn't feel it was for a good cause.

Thank you for all the continued support!

tracey

I Can Wear High Heels

Wow! Now that I've come back to life I see that there's a lot to this living business! How did I fit it all in before? There's so many people to love and relish and so much laundry and cleaning and driving and working and cooking to do! I take my hat off to all of you who do it so beautifully. I have suddenly found myself facing all these tasks with delight and surprise. It is a wonderful discovery to find myself a mother, homemaker, employee, friend and daughter, niece and cousin and all the titles I hold so dear. I didn't realize how small my life had become- how narrow my focus. I am forgetting my tired and scarred self to rediscover the new life that is pumping through me.

I can hold my son. I can ride my bike. I can wear high heels. I can eat first, second and thirds. I can sleep on my stomach and dance with joy. I can cook for my family and get to wipe up the floor when something spills. I'm going to work in a cubicle again. I'm going to earn a paycheck 2 weeks from August 4th. I'm ALIVE! Time is allowing the memories to fade.

My docs have described my test results and gorgeous and beautiful. My body is absorbing this gift of life with delight and exuberance. I am treating it with reverence- as my dearest friend. Thank you dear Meghan. I pray for continued grace and good fortune for us both. My soul was restored to witness your strength and vitality. I pray that our bodies continue to mend as the impact of this trauma fades to allow the beautiful vision of our futures. I cannot wait to behold the next chapter on your wedding day.

To all of you who have held me in your hearts and prayers. I will always know that it was the strength of your intentions and the sincerity of your prayers and hearts that kept me here, that has allowed me to pass through this immense ordeal without having succumbed to it. Every day is an answered prayer. Thank you.

And Then There Were Three

Michelle and family continue to slowly try to put the pieces of thier new life back together. Mama bear is heading back to California after many months at her daughter's side. It has been a long time since the Ways haven't had someone in their home to assist with keeping the house up and helping with Tater tot. It will be different. New challenges, but also a time for the family to reconnect on a new level. Tater tot will continue to be in daycare a few days a week to allow Michelle much needed rest time. Michelle is also using massage therapy, chiropractics, and acupuncture to help manage her pain. Unfortunately surgery hasn't been a cure-all, but Michelle knew this going in. It HAS provided hope for a better future. Michelle is only 3 months post-op, and her doctors suspect 1-2years for a better idea of what her recovery will look like. Her body continues to embrace her new little liver, her rejection scores are good.

I see Michelle getting stronger all the time and it's wonderful! Praying for her comfort and continuous healing.

We'll miss you Jer!

tracey

The End and Once Upon a Time all at once

The sun streams in through the window after a wash of spring downfall. The air is fresh with the new soil and flowers of hopeful gardeners. I've just pounded the last of the little fragile sprigs into the ground. Those little saplings are of kindred spirit with me. We are both going to hope our new life digs deep and solid roots that will sustain us. This will depend on a little bit of luck, careful care and a lot of love. Love is what sustained me through this then and now.


Speaking of love, my mama is returning home after being with us for 6 months. Jack arrived last night to drive her home in a few days.

My mama is gram-ma-ma to the Tot. So, for all of us, it is the end of an era, and a new beginning. I will miss hearing her happy voice that accompanies the Tot's giggles. I will miss our long chats and the friendship we share. Thank you mama for wrapping your heart and arms around my little guy when I couldn't be there. Thank you for standing by me and never holding your sacrifices over or against me. Thank you for your timeless and unconditional love. I love you with all my heart.

I hope you will set yourself free now. You have crawled through the trenches and faced death with me and welcomed our new life. This has been an endurance marathon and I have tagged you out. It's your turn to live your own life now. I have to run the rest of the race without you by my side so that I can find my own abilities again and discover new strength.

Thank you mama and Jack for putting your lives on hold to help save mine. I love you both.

Michelle

Putting it all together again

Here I am again. It's dark, quiet and all the rooms are filled with the rise and fall of sleep. The veins in my thin hands shine up at me from the keyboard. The only light that fills the space is the glow of my monitor. I am here tonight because my mind is wakeful. I cannot seem to find the sweet spot of peace.



My lifetime so far has been freckled with joy, adventure, extremeties of trauma and privledge and everything in between. The constant has been my ability to fall in love with life despite it's circumstance. This February, for the first time, I fell out of love with life and it almost killed me.

In the week that followed my liver transplant; my body was in screaming amounts of pain, I couldn't eat, my skin smelled from the toxic drugs and I vomited through the incision that spread from my breast to my hips. I was dehydrated and my veins were drying up so they couldn't adminster IV. I would need another hose in my neck to mainline fluids. The overwhelm and the pain came out of my mouth as I told the surgeon I needed to give up. He yelled as I hung for life on the edge of my bed and gasped through the pain, "you fought harder then anyone ever has to get this surgery. We do not give these to everyone. You owe it to your donor, the people who never got one and to the people who will die waiting to FIGHT now."

I felt the sting of shame and knew, at the same time, I did not posess the strength to fight. I thought, "Can't he see we have reached the point of no return?" However, given the lack of options he was presenting, I assured him I would re-engage the fight.

As I listened to his footsteps fade down the ward, I assessed my energy to make good on my promise. It was negative 200 and falling fast. I felt failure was a guarantee. At least I should warn my family. I did. They did not take the news well. They called for help and it came in the form of an acupuncturist who was willing to come to the hospital. He took down the cards that lined the windowsill and removed all my pictures. He took everything off my side tables except my water. Everything was too big, life was too demanding, the love I felt for the people in my life was incompacitating. He told me to focus on the very small. Eventually we narrowed life down to my son's fingernail. He told me to focus on that to keep the ember of life alive within me. It was important to keep my spirit and mind alive while I could not control anything physically. A fingernail I truly loved was truly all I could handle.

For 3 days I visualized my baby boy's fingernail, then finger, then simply his beautiful hand. I repeated "mind over matter" under my gasping breath for 3 nights and 3 days. I yelled at myself as I vomitted up my lifesaving drugs. Finally, on the 3rd morning I believed myself and held down my medications. I announced my new resolve to my family and the doctors who were overjoyed. 2 hours later, my blood work returned and I learned that my liver was in rejection. Here was the true test. But the 3 days of hardwork had paid off and my resolve was solid.

My committment to life hasn't wavered since then but the experience still affects me now. I see pictures of myself before I was sick and there is a lightness to my smile, a joy of spirit. My spirit still suffers from the prolonged illness and the shock of surgery. I miss the girl I was. I hope she's just hiding and not truly and forever changed. I don't want to be so tired, so easily overwhelmed, so inept at the simple things. Life will always be a gift that was given to me- forever. My heartbeat is a gift. Every word I say may never have been. That very fact continues to humble me, amaze me and bring me to my knees. Is there a normal in my new reality?

With gratitude and always love,

Michelle

Update and A Big Thanks!

Michelle had clinic today. Things are going pretty good. Her rejection score has improved quite a bit since her last visit, so this is fantastic. The struggles at this point are still related to Small For Size Syndrome, and splenic pain. It is uncertain if her spleen will ever recover. Only time will tell. As for her last banding session, no esophageal varices were found at that time. Yea!

A huge thank you is due to the Fraternal Order of Eagles Maple Ridge Aerie #2831. This group took Michelle's family on as one of their charities this past fiscal year, and the Way's were recently honored with a cheque for nearly $1200!!! Awesome! Thank You!

tracey