Being Candid

Well it feels like time to write again. I have just read the blog after almost a month. This gesture of friendship from Tracey and all the phone calls, visits and patience has been a life saving gift. I am struggling to keep my spirits afloat these days. I want so much to be the brave, strong and fearless girl I thought I was. But instead I am very afraid, very overwhelmed, very guilty and very ashamed. I never meant to be sick for so long. I never meant to need my friends and my family so much. I never meant to be this useless for such a long time. I don’t know when this journey ends or what the outcome will be but I know it is out of my control.

I spent the last 3 days in bed again with fatigue, nausea and pain. My husband, the nanny and my mom filled in all the blanks and kept Tater tot and the household rolling along. I am so blessed to have so much support. Is it wrong to want to push it all away and stand strong on my own two feet again? I don’t want to cheapen my relationships with too much gratitude. A friendship holds itself together with mutual admiration, respect and common enjoyment. What if I am unable to be enjoyable?

I told my son that I was sorry to be so sick this week and that I missed him while I was sleeping in bed. He responded, “Sometimes it’s not easy being big. Sometimes it’s not easy being small.” These are words from one of our favourite bedtime stories. He wrapped his arms around me and gave me a big kiss. His love licked the wounds of my guilt.

I have rallied my head around getting to Toronto. My family and friends have urged me to go, my doctor’s here have supported and recommended that I go. I must be able to tell my son that I did everything I could to be here to love and raise him. Meghan and her family need an end as well. We all need to move on. Our lives have been on hold for too long. Tomorrow I round up all my paperwork to send to Toronto. Then I wait. It’s 3 weeks I’m told. Will they go forward? They are the best in the world. They do more living donor liver transplants in Toronto then anywhere else in the world. If we wait here, we may wait too long. It feels like we’ve already waited too long. I’ve sat nose to nose with my specialist. He gave me 45 minutes of his time. He tried to explain why the BC transplant team is waiting. I could tell it didn’t altogether make sense to him either. He said he thought I should go to Toronto and that he would never question their opinion.

While I wait I pray for days with a few beans so that I can be here, living life, loving my family, making good decisions, being strong, being loving, being grateful, remembering always to put one foot in front of the other. Work on the right now and hopefully I’ll get somewhere along the way.

Thank you my sweet little tot for your big boy, big hearted response to life. I know it must be hard to have a mama who’s not always there. Thank you for opening your heart to nanny Elizabeth and to all the people who are there for you when mama can’t be. The world is a big one and I know you will be stronger for loving and trusting more people at your tiny age. With all my heart and with every day I pray that my difficultly will not hurt you in anyway. I can see it has already affected who you are but you are bubbling to the surface with your sweet face in the wind. You are my little friend, my courageous boy. I love you.

To all my friends and family; I thank you for your prayers, your support, your kindness and all your love.

Michelle