Well here I sit at 1:09am. It's officially Thursday now. The doc's will be meeting in less then 6 hours. My specialist asked to see me today. He wants to be prepared for today's meeting and tells me that the shortness of breath I have been having is indeed related to my liver failure. I have now developed a cardiac condition related to my liver. Okay now we have liver, gallbladder (RIP), spleen, kidney's and heart all involved. Help!!!
I talked to Miss M. several times over the past few days as you may imagine. She is still waiting to get married, have children etc even as she stretches near the middle of child bearing age. She melts me. After hearing the dismal stats shared by the surgeon (46% of their list died last year, they have the worst STATS in North America for numbers of completed transplants).... we are losing hope of a cadaver liver materializing in time. Meghan writes another letter urging the team to schedule surgery for March (the next available slot). She wants to move all our lives along to the recovery and baby making side of the equation! Amen sister!!!!!!!!
Well this week I have had a lot of chance to lie in bed and therefore think of my lot in life. I have been so blessed throughout my life and even now. I have so much real love in my life. It is the only thing sustaining me now. I cannot eat. Food makes me nauseaus and in pain. It`s not worth it. I just economize. Yes... banana milk shakes (Dairy Queen are best) still make me smile.
Thank you to Bob and De Lollis family. You have always shown me your true hearts, shared the richness of the blood the flows through your family with me. I have sat on your laps, jiggled your chin and smelled your sweet perfume. I have laughed and heard your stories and seen your babies grow. Thank you for filling my childhood with the vibrance of your family and the strength of your characters. You all got together and bought me a laptop computer so that I can stay in touch while I am in bed. Thank you so very much. I love you all.
And there`s my work who remembers me after all these years now and gifts me to make sure I can celebrate Christmas. Thank you!!!! Your thoughtfullness and generosity is uplifting and brought me so much joy. I love you all.
My mom and her husband are living with us now. They have 2 rooms upstairs running as their office and bedrooms. The Tot has gotten used to finding available hands, hearts and love in the rooms upstairs. Between the 4 of us he has someone to play with, eat with, cuddle with or talk to. It`s nice to see him growing with the strength and numbers of family around him. I don`t worry as much now when the wear of going up and down the stairs necessitates a cat nap. I can easily pass him to my mama for awhile til I catch my breath and catch a few z`s. If it wasn`t for my constant pain I might say life is okay for now. But, it`s not. I`m not doing anything for myself anymore despite herculean efforts every day. No amount of effort succeeds in getting me past the prison of disease in my body. This is a huge departure from ME. Thank you mama and Jack for being me when I am not.
Oh my docs, please hear me and listen to your hearts. Please feel confidence in the skill behind your eyes and in your hands. You can do this for us. You can set us free to get back to our lives and live to the fullest. You won`t be sorry. You will affirm life. I PROMISE. Please bring me joy at 9am tomorrow. Please please please god. Please Lord. I beg you. Please. Set us free to live again. Thank you for all that you have offered me and my family. I ask you for this one more gift of life.
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