A Fine Balance Between Hospital and Home

3 days. The size of a twoonie. Mind bending pain. What is this?? Scared to call. Should find out. What if the aneurysm in my spleen has burst? What if it’s nothing? I’ll wait a bit longer. Take a walk with my son. It’s not going away. I’m at the bank. Got to pay the nanny today. Can’t see the buttons through the pain. Just keep talking to my friend. That will make it stop. Okay. It’s time to call. If I call while I’m walking to the shoe store the news can’t be that bad. I come to these absurd conclusions on a regular basis. Dr. E is there and will take my call immediately. A rarity in itself. I’m standing between the infant and toddler shoe aisles and he tells me the pain is almost certainly related to the fact that my spleen has gotten too big to receive adequate blood supply. It has likely started to suffocate and die. The pain’s location tells him that it is likely the first spot. He tells me the pain can only be controlled in the hospital through IV analgesics. He will get me a bed today but I will likely be there until the transplant surgery. Well, we all know how I feel about long stays in the hospital!! There will be no caging of this butterfly today. He says I can stay home as long as I don’t develop fever.

It’s been a week since then and so far so good. I have befriended that hot spot just beneath my rib cage. It represents the fire of my will. So far I have not lost my mind. It is truly amazing what the body can become acclimatized to. I am so grateful for all those books I read in childhood of those ancient crazy Tibetans and great spiritual leaders who subjected themselves to physical torture to learn that there is something prior to pain. There is always inherent brightness, light and love within. We just have to tap into it instead of the pain. On the days I can’t find the brightness I lay in bed, whimper to my mom on the phone or take a dreaded pain pill. Those little buggers make me so itchy and sleepless they are almost worse than the pain. And Dr. E was right- they don’t take the pain away anyway.

This same week I came home to an open letter on my desk. It was from BC Transplant and read a little something like this, “Your live donor has been approved. Your surgery will be scheduled for September 2009. Please complete and sign the enclosed consent form”. Gulp. My blood turned to ice and then fire. Wow. It’s official. I knew Miss M must have received a similar letter. How was she going to feel? There is something so powerful in seeing the words in black and white with letterhead. This is REAL. It took me 3 days to call her. I want her to know again that I am not entitled to this gift of life. It is her healthy body that she is choosing to lend to me. She doesn’t give me the chance. She says she wants me to know she’s gotten a letter (she doesn’t know I’ve received the same one). She says she wants to post it to the blog. She’s so excited. She says that now we will really be sisters. It’s time to shop for those matching jammies.

I don’t know why I’ve been given these peculiar set of life circumstances but they have shown me how truly wonderful and generous people’s hearts are. In these times of global and economic crises, people have opened their hearts and wallets and bodies to make my life possible. I am so humbled to have such beautiful family and friends.

To my dear Miss Tracey; you are a truly comforting shoulder, a valued confidante. Thank you for listening to me always and for your honesty. Thank you for this blog. Thank you for devoting so much of your valuable time to me and to my son and for all the fundraising efforts. I truly couldn’t go through this without you.

Thank you to all the members of the Way to Live committee. That you found my cause worthy of all those hours of your time and effort is truly heartfelt.

Thank you to my family for staying on this roller coaster ride with me for all these years. I know it hasn’t always been easy. I promise to get off the ride and play mini golf (a game that’s much more fun).

To my dear California brothers and sisters. Your long distance love and fundraising for me after all these years we’ve been apart is a gesture of love that will last a life time.

To my friends from work for sponsoring our family to make our Christmas and the mortgage payment possible. When there are so many needy families, thank you for shining your love and donations on us.

To my husband, who manages to stand by me through every unpleasant bodily function and tries to see me as his beautiful blushing bride anyway.

And, to my son, who is always happy to see me and showers me with love and smiles every day. You will never know how well you make me feel.

Thank you to my friends that have flown to see me once, twice and even 3 times. Your visits, massages, adjustments, walks and talks add years to my life and soul.

Thank you to my husband’s family who have wrapped their arms around us and supported us through these rapids.

And to Miss M. Words won’t do it justice. Nothing can. I’ve sent you something in the mail. It was all I could think of to let you know how you make me feel. I love you. We were sisters from day 1.

Thank you to all those I haven’t names who keep our family in their thoughts and prayers and to those who have seen fit to donate funds to support us through this struggle. I blow you kisses, send you hugs and shower you with flowers of your favourite color. Thank you for not letting me dance alone. Thank you for making this sometimes cruel life seem so much kinder. xox. Good night.

Michelle

PS
I will have an ultrasound on Wednesday of this week and we will get the lay of the land after that. In the meantime I picture my spleen receiving adequate supplies of whatever it needs and living strong. We can’t afford to lose any more organs in there! My next assessment at the transplant clinic is June 8th. My mama is flying in from California this Thursday so she will be there for the big day. I called and told her I was done being a big girl for awhile. Sometimes a girl just needs her mama. She was just waiting for me to say the words and booked a flight the same day. Now. That’s love.