Written A Few Days Ago...

I lost my biological father to brain cancer on January 14th, 2007. January 14th just happens to be Miss M’s birthday. I have looked at his picture for a long time tonight. I just needed to see his face, remember his soft skin covered in a layer of fine fur. He was a snugly bear and I often nuzzled in to his big broad arms. I miss his comfort and his life.
My dad was a writer, an artist, a carpenter, a great thinker and wonderful confidante. I didn’t really know him until I was 21. Our strongest bond was friendship. Our minds, made of the same blood were of kindred spirit. But, he called me Kidlet. At the core of everything, I was his baby girl.
We often met downtown to enjoy the change in seasons or catch a movie together if it was raining. We always talked for hours. He wanted to make the world a more honest place. He championed the underdog and made them realize they could actually conquer themselves and the world. He could never do this for himself. He was an unpredictable rogue who often misbehaved I miss him every day.
He was sick for 1 year before passing away. During that time I became his manager of sorts and helped him keep his life together as he literally lost his mind. I was pregnant at the time. He wanted me to help him deal with the diagnosis of “terminal” because I had once been faced with the same life sentence. I couldn’t help him or “go there” while there was new life growing inside of me. I couldn’t really get down to the emotions and feel them with him. I was there for him on a practical level and spent many days and hours with him but I never really let him confess his fear, the pain and outrage, the injustice and frustration. I am so sorry. I know now how much I could have helped.
I have been dancing with illness for 13 years now. Sometimes I flit across the floor and sometimes my feet are swollen out of my shoes. Being and overcoming being sick has pushed me to make the rest of my life mean something to me. I have made choices along the way that strengthen my bond to people and this earth. Where I once danced alone I now have a husband and my baby boy. I have the most amazing friends, a career I truly love and am proud of and a piece of land with a vegetable garden! All my dreams have come true. I just hope that my choices will not cost the ones I love too much. When I let myself, I wonder, “Was it selfish to dance with others when it would have hurt less to dance alone?”
I am frustrated by the squeeze of illness on my abilities. I want to be free and strong. I am fearful tonight. There are so many blind corners ahead of me. I am a passenger in a speeding car without a driver. The blind faith that has led my life so far is the only thing I can cling to now. It is more of a refusal to participate in the undesirable than true courage.
I pray for brightness and life to surround my loved ones. I pray we take the corners with ease and that the road becomes less treacherous. I pray that I never stop dancing. I pray for healing of wounds my illness has caused. May my love continue to be felt.

Michelle