The Pebbles and Stones

It's 1:10am. The eve before the eve of my transplant 1 year ago. Tomorrow I return to work from my pneumonia tune up. I felt weak and ill again and was amazed how familiar the feeling was even though I had kissed it good bye forever. I couldn't find the power in my knees to float me to the top of the stairs without a moments recovery. The energy of my 3 year old washed over me like a wave that nearly drowns the avid surfer. I began to feel hopeless that my life would wash out to sea without me. But, after all here I am back and returning to work tomorrow. It's a new beginning, a new job, the realization of a lifelong career goal. But I cannot sleep. My heart is heavy tonight. I cannot fit all the pieces in the right place. Despite the level playing ground of delight, pain keeps trying to insert itself. Tragedy keeps peeking in on the scene. Something is not in balance. I feel like the princess trying to snuggle down to sleep atop her mattresses of gifts and successes but I feel a pea lying between the folds and I cannot rest. There is something more I must do to find peace. I just don't want to take apart all the mattresses to find the pea. I've tried to ignore it but it's too prominent. I've tried to squish it, but it's too strong. I will have to find it and see it. Another round of bravery is required. There's always more of that isn't there?

Thank you for all the gifts, for my beating heart, for the feeling of joy and overwhelming love I feel for the family and friends and people in my life. I am so enjoying being there and being able to pay forward a small portion of the kindness showered on me.

Much love,

Me